Dear Rep. McMorris Rodgers:
We are IMPRESSED with your silent approval of your House fraternity caucus colleagues and the kegger they held yesterday in the Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility. Too bad you were not able to participate, but we understand. Storming the secure facility would have required you to use the same staircase as the men, which we know from your madrassa is verboten.
We are extra IMPRESSED with your colleagues flouting the "no electronics" rule of the SCIF. Your House GOP colleagues of yore created the "no electronics" rule, but that was back when the GOP cared about our nation and its secrets. We like the new GOP, selling our secrets and soldiers to the highest bidder. Nothing says freedom like taking a selfie with the man behind the green curtain and sending the metadata to the man behind the red curtain.
Please continue to encourage your colleagues to barge into classified meetings with cell phones demanding due process. How else will we get to the bottom of the witch hunt lynching unless your drunk uncles can capture some of it in grainy portrait mode video? By the way, consider talking to your orange ogre about his use of lynching as a description of his predicament. Lynch is an honorable multicultural surname, not a verb.
But the highlight of the day was your President's virulent insult of "never trumper" republicans as "human scum".
We are lifelong republicans who would never consider voting for Mr. Trump or you. Neither of you is qualified. Both of you are susceptible to corruption. Neither of you understands the nature of your job. Both of you eschew reading. Neither of you is a good listener. Both of you are willing to conjure fictional people to push your agenda. Neither of you understands math. Both of you are wholly out of touch with your constituents.
Does our desire for leadership by an educated competent republican make us "human scum"? The pacific northwest has a long history of admired progressive republican leaders like Tom McCall and Dan Evans. Could you imagine those respected governors supporting your philandering prevaricating criminal traitor? Would your President call them human scum? John McCain and Mitt Romney are human scum? You voted for those gentlemen.
Seems your President should be trying to appeal to more republicans, not fewer. Why not use the power of good ideas to persuade the republicans who find him personally repulsive? Forcing us to love a lying loser is a bit like praying away the gay -- a fool's idea of a good strategy.
So glad we have your leadership. Your full throated support of your President gives us comfort. His unconventional methods of using the government to line his own pockets regardless the consequences are exactly what we predicted when you called him your "positive disruptor".
Keep up the good work CMR. You're the best supporter of non-sensical acts of crime by Congresspeople.
If your staff is keeping track, put us down as FOR storming the SCIF with cell phones, FOR keggers with necktied dorks, FOR calling rational republicans human scum, but AGAINST the use of Lynch as a verb.
Have a nice day.
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